Dear Ms. Bitch: Gay Husbands, Jesus Freaks and Woodchucks
Like Dear Abby. . . only bitchier.
Dear Ms. Bitch:
My husband and I have been having trouble lately. We get along great but our sex life is severely lacking. Last week he admitted that he’s having an affair with his best friend, another man. He seems apologetic and says that he loves me. But he’s very attracted to his best friend and doesn’t want to stop seeing him. He suggested that we have an open marriage and incorporate the best friend into our lives. I love my husband but I don’t know how to decide. Help!
–Undecided
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| Do these guys look like they need you to have a good time? Nope. |
Dear Undecided:
Sounds like you’re not the only one who can’t make up their mind. Look, I want to give you hope for your marriage, but I’m 99.9% sure that your husband is gay. I’ve got nothing against gay men. They make great friends and great fashion for women, but terrible husbands. Don’t beat yourself up too much about this. How were you supposed to know that BF stood for boyfriend, not best friend? Move out and move on to greener (and heterosexual) pastures.
Dear Ms. Bitch
My cousin and I aren’t very close but we do see each other during the holidays and a few other times a year. Recently, she and I became Facebook friends and I realized that she was some kind of Jesus freak. Normally, I just ignore the tons of angels, prayers and invites to church themed events, but last night she posted went beyond crazy when she changed her status to in a relationship. . . with Jesus. How can I ever talk to her again without laughing in her face?
–Jesus Freaked Out
Dear JFO:
Your letter doesn’t mention what your own religious affiliation is so I’m going to assume that you are also in a relationship with Jesus and are pissed off to find out that you’re being two timed. Maybe the two of you can go on Maury Povich and duke out for who can be Jesus’s baby’s mama. If that’s the case, I wish you luck and advise you to bob and weave. If that’s not the case, maybe it’s just that you don’t agree with your cousin’s religious views. That’s ok. We can’t all agree on everything. Here’s what you do: hide her newsfeed on Facebook so you don’t have to hear about her and Jesus’s next trip to Bible camp. At the next family gathering, stay on non-religious subjects and avoid asking her who she’s seeing these days so that you don’t have to argue about stuff you can’t change. And if she turns up pregnant, make room in your manger just in case.
Dear Ms. Bitch:
I gotta question for you. How much chuck would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck would chuck wood?
–Anonymous
Dear Idiot:
Shut the fuck up.
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Read MoreDear Ms. Bitch: Ugly Babies, Slutty Girlfriends and Urine
Like Dear Abby. . . only bitchier.
Dear Ms. Bitch
A friend of a friend of a friend is my friend on my Facebook page. She’s cool but there’s one problem: she just had a baby six months ago and the baby is ugly. I’m not trying to be funny or mean, but either something is wrong with this baby or it’s really ugly. And she’s always posting pictures of it like every day. I don’t want to hurt her feelings, but what am I supposed to say when she posts yet another picture of this ugly kid? I’m having nightmares from this and really need to know what to do.
–Terrorized by the Mask-in-Diapers
Sure she’s smiling.
Her baby isn’t ugly.
Dear Ms. Bitch
I swear I’m a good person, but I did something bad. I slept with my boyfriend’s roommate. I was drunk and we were fighting and it just happened. That was months ago and my boyfriend still doesn’t have a clue. But I’m feeling guilty. I want to be honest with my boyfriend but I think he’s probably going to break up with me if I do. Help!!
–In the Roommate’s Room
Dear IRR,
Listen, you drunk slut. . . Ok, I’m kidding. Don’t beat yourself up about this. We all have our less than proud moments. You did it. It was wrong. Now, all you have to do is make amends. Some people are going to tell you not to say anything because it looks like you might have gotten away with it. (And normally, I would be one of those people.) But in this case, your accomplice is your weak spot. The roommate can tell on your slutty ass at any moment now. As angry as your boyfriend may be when you tell him, he’s going to be a million times angrier when he hears it from his roommate. If you want any kind of lasting relationship with this man, put on your big girl panties and take your medicine. Tell him what happened. Just be prepared for the fact that he may not want anything to do with you afterwards. But hey, that’s the price you pay for being a slut. Deal with it.
Dear Ms. Bitch
I have an etiquette question about tipping. Let me start off with saying that I understand that waitresses make less than minimum wage, but isn’t that a choice? They are choosing to work for less money and I choose not to reward that. So unless they like cure cancer while I’m eating, I’m not tipping. Does this make me a bitch?
–Non-Tipper
Dear Non-Tipper
You’re damn right you’re a bitch, and not in a good way. You’re a dirty, cheapskate-let-me-see-how-much-I-can-not-pay bitch. You can always tell what kind of person someone is by the way they treat those serving them. If you walk into a restaurant that has table service, you should expect to tip. Now, I’m not saying you have to drop your rent on the table or tip bad service, but if you had a pleasant experience and your waitress was a part of that, tip the waitress! If you don’t want someone spitting in your food the next time you’re in that restaurant, tip the waitress. If you expect to get above and beyond service on that busy night you walk into your favorite restaurant with only thirty minutes until you have to get to your movie, tip the waitress. And if you don’t want to tip, I hear Mickey D’s open 24/7 these days. Hit the drive thru, bitch!
Dear Ms. Bitch
I’m a grown woman, only 4’2 and as much as I love my friends, they think it’s funny to pick me up. Not just pick me up, though. Pick me up in public places and carry me around like a baby. I don’t want to be a spoiled sport but I don’t like it and it’s embarrassing. How do I get them to stop?
-Short but Grown Ass Woman
Dear Shorty
As a fellow shorty who grew up in a family of giants, I feel your pain. Even if you have a great sense of humor, nobody wants to be publicly embarrassed everytime you hang out with your friends. So the next time your friends pick you up and claim you’re a baby, pee on them. Then cry out “Wah, wah, baby wet. Baby need fresh diapie.” I’ll bet they put you down and never pick your ass up again. Or just tell them in a very serious tone the next time you see them that being publicly (or privately) embarrassed is really getting to you and you don’t think that it’s not funny anymore. If they do it again, you don’t know if you can keep hanging out with them. And then don’t hang out with them again if they do because they are probably more interested in being funny than being friends.
Man troubles? Need to know if your best friend is using you? Coworkers on your last nerve? Want a little advice on how to use your bitchitude to make the situation better? Then shoot an email over tobitchblog@blackbellepub.com and we might answer it in the next installment of Ask Ms. Bitch!
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