Dear Ms. Bitch: Can I Date My Cousin’s Ex-Boyfriend?
Like Dear Abby. . . only Bitchier.
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| Not everything can be shared. |
It’s Not What They Call You
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| Not Nappy Head Hoe, for sure. It’s Ms. Bitch. And don’t you forget it! |
Places Where Bitches Gone Bad Thrive
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| I’ve never seen anyone in the DMV that was over the age of sixteen and happy. |
There are two kinds of Bitches in this world: those who use their Bitchitude and those who can’t. I like to call those who can’t, Bitches Gone Bad. BGBs are the black sheep of the Bitch family and give us true Bitches a bad name. For the most part, I avoid BGBs the way I avoid manual labor and STDS, but sometimes Bitches Gone Bad are unavoidable. They’re everywhere but there are some places that you are more likely to run into one than other. Commit this list to memory and always go in prepared to deal if you happen to cross paths with a Bitch Gone Bad.
The DMV—You don’t want to be there. The employees don’t want to be there. The lines are long and everybody’s grumpy. This makes for the perfect environment for a Bitch Gone Bad to show herself.
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| As useful as Wal-Mart is, you have to be on your guard about BGBs the whole time. |
Wal-Mart—Maybe it’s all those rollback prices. Or maybe it’s the fact that you can buy socks, shampoo and Kool-Aid in the same place. Either way, Bitches Gone Bad love to work and shop at Wal-Mart.
The Library—When you put pathetic people in charge of anything (even a free service to the public) they have a tendency to lose control of their Bitchitude. This is how the Librarian BGB was born.
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| The Librarian BGB is crafty creature. Beware! |
The Post Office—There are more BGBs than stamps in this place. Stay out of the post office altogether and stick to emails and text messages.
Any Taco Bell/Wendy’s/McDonald’s/Burger King Drive Thru—That headset must be squeezing their brains or something.
The Cable Company—Don’t believe me? Just try to get an extension on your bill and get back to me.
Your Family Reunion—Sad but true. Aunt Polly is probably the biggest Bitch Gone Bad you’ll ever know.
The Doctor’s Office/ER—Yes, you are sick, in pain or just plain vulnerable. This is the perfect time for some BGB nurse or doctor to start tripping. Remember, A BGB will always kick you when you’re down.
Dear Ms. Bitch: Annoying Husbands, Snoring Boyfriends and Shitty Dogs
Like Dear Abby. . . only Bitchier.
Dear Ms. Bitch:
I’ve got a problem with my husband. He’s annoying. Even his breathing annoys me. Almost everything he says is stupid and sometimes I just wish he’d leave me alone. What should I do?
–Wife of an Annoying Husband
Dear Wife:
So why did you marry him if he was so annoying? Annoying people tend to work long and hard to get that way so there’s no way I’m going to believe that he just started being someone who’s very existence ruins your day. In fact, I’m betting this is more about you than anything else. What changed and how long has this been going on? It’s really hard to love someone you don’t even like, so if you feel this is a permanent feeling, maybe you should reconsider this marriage. Or maybe this is just a little PMS type thing that will be gone in a couple of days. If that’s the case, just ride it out and check out www.myhusbandisannoying.com to commiserate with other wives who still love their annoying other halves.
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| Enjoy it while you can girl! |
Dear Ms. Bitch:
I just realized my new boyfriend snores. I told him but he doesn’t believe me and says that none of his past girlfriends ever complained. It’s keeping me up whenever I spend the night. What should I do?
–Sleepy in Seattle
Dear Sleepy:
Dump him now! My husband’s snoring can peel the paint off the walls so I can tell you that once you fall in love with this man, you are so screwed. On the other hand, I also know that a good man is hard to find. So if this is the only problem with your new boyfriend, I can understand you wanting to stick around. Tell your boyfriend that his old girlfriends aren’t around anymore and if he wants to keep sleeping with you, he has to do it a little more quietly. Let him know that you need him to do whatever he can to make sleeping over a little better, like Breathe Right strips or sleeping on his stomach. And don’t be afraid to retreat to your own snore free bed when you just absolutely have to get a quiet’s night sleep.
Dear Ms.Bitch:
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| Sure he looks cute, but you just wait until he shits on something of yours! |
I live with my roommate and she has a dog. The dog is okay but it is so NOT housetrained. I usually don’t let it bother me too much because I don’t clean up after the dog. I just let the piss/shit/throw up stay where it is until she comes home and cleans it up herself. I never really thought about it until she came home with a date the other day, step in some dog shit and then asked me why I left there. Am I wrong for not cleaning up after her dog?
–Shitty Shitty Bang Bang
Dear Shitty:
Nope. As a roommate, you just share rent and bills. You don’t have to clean up after her dog or do her dishes or braid her hair unless you feel like it. My question is how do you walk around all day without accidently walking in dog shit until she comes home? I’m a dog lover myself and I completely believe that you are responsible for what your dog does. And as a woman who has never liked anyone I’ve ever lived with, I believe common areas should be for the use of all the people who live there. (And guess what? If that dog isn’t chipping in for rent, he doesn’t count.) So I suggest that your roommate use child/puppy gate to keep the pooch in her own personal space (like her bedroom) while she’s gone and until this housetraining thing gets done. That way any accidents happen out of your jurisdiction and there’s no question about who will clean it up.
Never Settle for Bad Service
Some women accept the situations that are handed to them and some women do something about it. I fall into the latter category. I frequent many establishments: restaurants, retail stores, gas stations, etc. There is one thing that each one of these places has in common: there is an individual who is higher on the totem pole than the one I am dealing with. So there is always someone to complain to if the service or product is substandard.
Yes, I am THAT customer. The one who will call corporate. Or the manager. Or even the owner, if necessary.
Before you begin to assume that I am the loudmouthed, rude and overbearing customer that is never satisfied, you are wrong. Having worked in the service industry in multiple capacities for years I am polite, very gracious, and I really do not ask for much. Every smart business knows that happy customers keep you in business even when times are tough. Like everyone else in this economy, I expect any establishment that gets my hard earned money to treat me with respect and deliver on their promises. If that doesn’t happen, I will be letting people know! Complaining has gotten me a lot of things, including some pretty hefty refunds.
A recent example involves a local theme park that hosts a Halloween themed scare fest. A friend and I were having a great time, until we attempted to ride our favorite ride. After waiting in a long line, we were seated on the ride and our safety harnesses were lowered. Thirty seconds later, the harnesses were raised and we were told that the ride was experiencing technical difficulties. I saw the riders who were in the car ahead of ours being given vouchers allowing them to skip the line when they came back later. When I asked why we weren’t getting vouchers, I was told that because our particular car had not moved, we couldn’t have them. Naturally, I argued that since we were already strapped in, we should have gotten vouchers too.
Finally, an employee pulled me aside and told me that I could use the park password to skip the line later on. “Carab”, said the employee. “Just tell the line attendant ‘carab’ and he will understand.” Satisfied that I had gotten what I wanted, we left
the ride and enjoyed our evening. When we came back to the ride, I sidled up to the line attendant and said, “Carab.” He looked puzzled and asked me to repeat myself. I smugly said, once again, “Carab.” He told me that he had no idea what I was talking about and carried on with his duties. At this point I didn’t know if the first attendant gave me the wrong password or if the second attendant had forgotten the password for the day. All I knew is that corporate would receive a phone call the following morning.
It didn’t take much, either. Once I explained the situation, I was told that there is no daily password, the employee should never have mislead me in that manner, and that I would be receiving a free ticket to the theme park, as well as a 50% off coupon to cover the rest of my party. When I flounced into the theme park a couple of months later, I took a moment to look at the employee taking my ticket and I said, “Carab.” Sure he thought I was weird, but I was just pleased that I hadn’t let that word and an ill-trained employee ruin my fun. Instead, I used my head and landed myself back in the park for another day!
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