Bitch Chat with The Bitchy Librarian

It’s that time again. Today’s Bitch Chat is with the lovely Twitter famous Bitchy Librarian. If you don’t know who she is, you need to step your game up. The antithesis of that librarian that used to shush you during 8th grade study hall, she’s funnier, bitchier and she still wants you to shut up. She’s in demand, too. I want you to know that it took me no less than 23 emails to nail down this interview. But when I did, I was treated to a look behind the curtain at what what it’s like in Bitchy’s world. (Hint: It looks like Ke$ha’s overnigh bag.) But don’t take my word for it, read on…

Me: So who are you and what are you doing here?

Bitchy: Well, if I told you my real name, I’d have to kill you, so we’ll just go with Bitchy. And what am I doing here? I’m just here to kind of shake up the library world a bit, I guess.

Me:I think you do, actually. You’re kinda famous. Were you aware of this?

Bitchy: It hits me sometimes, especially when I look at my follower count on Twitter. And I wonder WHY all these people want to listen to be YELL IN ALL CAPS ABOUT CRAZY PEOPLE.

Me: Because it’s fun. I’m one of those followers you know.

Bitchy: Hahaha, yes, nothing against them, you know…

Me: So where did this Bitchy Librarian thing start?

Bitchy: I actually point the finger at @FuckItLibrarian. She started on Twitter and told me to join and so I did. It because a great outlet for my (somewhat irrational) anger. Really, Twitter helps keep me sane.

Me: I’ve also noticed that your avatar is either very boobalicious or legalicious. Which one’s your favorite?

Bitchy: I actually like the legalicious ones better. They’re more fun to me.
It’s amazingly complicated to create a sexy Twitter avi. People have no idea.

Me: Oh yeah?

Bitchy: There’s so much pre-planning. You have to get the angle just right. I always end up with so many ridiculous outtakes. I probably look so ridiculous while I’m taking the pictures, too. Stocking and socks strewn everywhere. Like Ke$ha came over for a sleepover and left all her shit.

Me: Not many people can say that. Ok so you tweet while working and I read them because they’re funny, mostly about how stupid the public at large can be. What’s the stupidest question someone asked you in the library, mecca of stupid ass questions.

Bitchy: Probably the worst one was this guy who came in probably about 15 minutes after we opened. He came up to me at the reference desk, AFTER HE WALKED IN THE DOORS, and said “Yo, are you open yet?”

Me: Did you tell him no?

Bitchy: I just kind of looked at him for a few seconds and said, “Well, you’re standing here, aren’t you?”

Me: Now, I know this is hard because you love your job where you get to have teenagers fucking up shit, angry people mad that they get to use the library for free and such an amazing array of homeless people to see every day…but what would you do if you couldn’t be a librarian?

Bitchy: That is hard! Because really, as much as I bitch and complain about my job, that’s all in good fun. I don’t think a lot of people understand that. I really and genuinely do love what I do. But if I wasn’t a librarian, I’d probably work in the publishing industry or as an editor or something.

Me: I know. You have to love it. We all “hate” our jobs sometimes. But we keep going back for a reason, right?

Bitchy: Exactly. If i really hated my job as much as people think I did, I would have quit a long time ago.

Me: Or shot someone. Or put a bomb in nonfiction.

Bitchy: HAHA. That reminds me, this guy witnessed a fight the other day and asked me if I got hazard pay for working at the library. I almost fell out of my chair laughing.

Me: I think you should get hazard pay!

Bitchy: I mean, there was just that ONE really bad incident where that guy had to be tased. Nothing major.

Me: I love libraries and I’ve been going to them since I was a little kid. I’m the only person I know who has 4 library cards. But it’s such a Bermuda Triangle of crazy shit in there! I saw a homeless guy watching porn a little portable DVD player. Like he was at home. Which he obviously doesn’t have.

Bitchy: Now that’s innovation right there. I don’t know what we could even say about that. He’s not using library equipment.

Me: My librarians didn’t say anything. They just hope he doesn’t poop on anything.

Bitchy: Yeah, that’s our biggest worry. Don’t piss, shit, or jizz on anything, patrons.

Me: That should be a sign. Fuck that “Please Be Courteous.”

Bitchy: Right? They might actually read a sign that says jizz.

Me: :raises hand: I would!

Bitchy: Me too! Maybe we’re on to something.

Me: Ok so you’re called Bitchy Librarian for a reason. What’s the bitchiest thing you’ve ever done? It’s ok. I won’t tell anyone. (Yes I will.)

Bitchy: I went out with this guy THREE TIMES. Just three times. They were okay dates and the last time I just went out with him because he basically begged me to. And hey, free food.
So after the last time, he sent me COOKIES. IN THE MAIL. AT WORK.

Me: Free food is the only reason I met my husband. It’s all good.

Bitchy: When I opened the package, I was like WTF?! And I looked around to make sure no one saw it. Then I shoved it under my desk. So I fired off an email and was like “You are clearly more interested in me than I am in you.” I got a five paragraph response about how I led him on and how I should give him another chance. (He still emails me sometimes.) And then I threw his cookies away. TUPPERWARE AND ALL.

Me: Hahahaha! The fact that you had the willpower not to eat those cookies immediately makes you my hero. I would have eaten the cookies and had crumbs on my face when I told that guy I wasn’t going out with him again. Or I would have them smeared across my face while I was telling him I never got them.

Bitchy I was like “WHAT IF HE ROOFIED THE COOKIES AND IS WAITING OUTSIDE?” I was too freaked out.

Me: I wouldn’t have thought of that. I’m a glutton. I would be passed out at the reference desk. Or locked up in some little crazy Silence of the Lambs room as a sex slave.
Because I love cookies too much.

Bitchy: I love cookies, too! Had I not be so disgusted by the fact that he sent me cookies, I would’ve eaten them.

Me: Speaking of men. I hear you have one…that doesn’t know you’re Twitter famous. When does he get to know?

Bitchy: I kind of hinted at it last week. And then over the weekend, I told him who I was on Twitter, but we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas, so I’m not sure if he really got it. I was at a tweet up the other day and he was all “WTF is a tweet up?” so he’s not real into social media.

Me: If he wasn’t sufficiently impressed, he didn’t get it. He will though. Has your alter ego ever played a part in a relationship?

Bitchy: Yeeeaaah. My ex-husband was not too fond of my twitter alter-ego, which is why I’m trying to get this out early in a new relationship.

Me: What didn’t he like? Was he jealous of your awesomeness?

Bitchy: I think maybe. There were a lot of issues at play there.

Me: Ok, I’ve only got one more question. You ready?

Bitchy: I’m ready!

Me: Me and you are stuck on a desert island. (Not a dessert island because that’s for people can’t spell.) It’s like Lost except it’s not confusing either. Sand. Water. Me. You.
How long should I wait before I eat you?

Bitchy: You should probably eat me right away. I’m pretty skinny. The longer you wait, the worse it’s going to be for you. I’m that selfless.

Me: Ok, I’m grilling your ass up on hour 3. We’ll probably be rescued on hour 4.

Bitchy: HAHA. At least you had a good meal before getting arrested…