Shit I Learned From My Mama
Sunday is Thanks-For-Giving-Birth-To-Me-And-Not-Scarring-Me-Too-Much-Day. With all the mother talk this week, it got me thinking about my own mama. We have an interesting relationship. We’re a lot alike, which means we means we can get on each other’s nerves like nobody’s business and should never ever live together again.
One of the most surprising things about adulthood was that my mother became more of a friend and less of this person that I liked to argue with. And looking back now, I can say that I’ve learned more about life from my mother than anybody else that’s allowed me to live inside her for almost a year and then passed me through her vagina . . .because well, I don’t know anybody else that’s done that, now do I? Exactly. So I keep the things she’s taught me close to my heart and I’d like to share them with you today.
Photo Credit: Dospaz
To always have my own money so you can say “Fuck you” to whomever you need to. Money isn’t everything but it often gives you more options than being broke. My mama taught me that when you depend on someone for your living expenses, you have to play by their rules. Since I make my own money, I make my own rules.
All my curse words. If you met my mother, you’d think she was a polite, church lady who’s about 10 to 15 years younger than her actual age. But if you spend a little time with her, she talks like a sailor. Every curse word I know I learned from my listening to my mother talk when she thought I wasn’t.
That I don’t have to like everybody and everybody doesn’t have to like me. I think that’s the most important thing anyone can teach their daughter. For some reason, little girls are often taught that they must liked above all things. I actually know grown ass women who worry less about whether they are doing the right thing but more about what other people will think when they do it. As you can see, I don’t have that problem.
That it’s not necessary to know how to dance. My mama dances all the time. In public, at parties, etc. Now ask me if she knows how to dance. The answer is “Not a lick.” But she doesn’t seem to care if other people think she can’t dance. I think that’s a very special quality in anyone.
That if you want to stay married, you should learn how to lie. She wasn’t talking about lying about where you’ve been or how much money you spent at the casino. My mama and I both have the endearing quality of having strong opinions–that rarely agree–and big mouths. And sometimes just because it’s true doesn’t mean you have to say it. And if you expect some guy to live with that for the rest of his life, you’re going to spend a little time saying stuff like “No, I don’t mind watching wrestling because it’s really interesting” and “Maybe you’re right about [insert thing he is not right about but it doesn’t matter anyway] baby.”
That respect is more important than anything. Self-respect and respect from others is the best thing you can ever have. And to get respect, you have to be willing to show it. Love and honor all have some aspect of respect in them. Respect is better than being liked or envied. Respect lasts longer than many other feelings and you do much more with it. My mother taught me to protect my self-respect with everything I have.
Put Your Daughters (And Sons!) to Work This Thursday
I never got a chance to participate in Take Your Daughters and Sons to Work Day. (Probably because my parents were afraid I’d set something on fire at their jobs.) I wish I had, though. I think that if I had a real understanding of what my parents did all day, it might have given me a better understanding of the world at an earlier age. I might have understood why my father was adamant that none of his children join the military even though he was in for nearly 30 years. (Didn’t work on us all, though. Two brothers in the Army to this day.) At the very least, I might have been easier on them when they got home if I understood they were doing more than eating candy and calling home all day to make sure we weren’t exploding eggs in the microwave. (Hint: We were. As often as possible.)
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Porn and Susan Enan
This is a guest post from Dawn Babcock Papple. Do you have something say, too? Maybe you should write a guest post too.
I started to look up songs by Susan Enan. I’m not sure if you know her or not, but she’s about as “strongwomaned” of an artist as they get. She sings about deep, moving emotions and circumstances that show the true essence of the human heart. I felt like listening to her today.
Right… So, I went to do a web search, and suddenly was bombarded with naked women. Facebook for Swingers. Did you know there’s a sexy, fake-boobed whore in Ypsilanti waiting to blow me right now? Hundreds of them apparently.
Susan Frickin’ Enan. COME ON with the Porn ads.
It’s everywhere. Search for anything, any random word will lead you to Porn.
I could restrict my searches, but then I’d miss out on a great deal of interesting adult commentary and research studies. With parental controls for self protection, I couldn’t view this site.
You know, it was hard enough to grow up into a woman with the ads in Cosmo staring at me, critiquing me, shaming me. I already half-hate my body ¼ of the month, just from those magazines. And I bet $50 that if you have a vagina and you’re in my generation you do too.
Tell me… what hope does my daughter have?
TELL ME!
Let’s say I do a good job at sheltering her with parental controls. Her boyfriends’ parents won’t have. You can’t keep a teen boy from the millions of vaginas a click away. You just can’t. So, what hope do our daughters have as they grow into women? How will they ever develop a healthy sexuality?
I hate Porn. I never cared much about it before. I’m not a square or anything. I’m not a religious conservative. Now, though, I hate Porn, because of the damage that it inevitably will do to my daughters self esteem, self image, and self respect in about 10-15 years. I want to punch Porn in the face.
I want to punch Porn in the face and then kick it in the salon waxed groin.
It won’t work though. Porn is too strong. So, I have a new strategy. As she becomes a teenager, I’m going to ridicule Porn openly in front of my daughter. I’m not going to be lame and act like it’s “improper” because nobody cares about the opinions of “squares.” I’m just going to be a bitch about it openly as my daughter enters her teen years. I’m going to make porn look stupid, ugly, awkward and unworthy… instead of my daughter.
Don’t even try to brainwash my child.
I’ll brainwash her first, and better. Because I’m smarter than Porn. Porn dropped out of high school and snorts heroin and I’m a clever, bitchy, freelance-writing, tattooed, Gen X mom MILF.
And nobody hurts my little girl.
Dawn Babcock Papple raises her three youngsters with the support of her husband in a little cottage between a pine forest and a pond. Dawn has been published in The Livingston Parent Journal, The Livingston County Press and other Michigan based paper publications. Dawn also has written a book entitled, “Aura Lin” and is a professional blogger. You can learn more about Dawn and connect with her on her personal blog, her work on Everything Birth, and Facebook.
13 Bitchy Truths About Kids
Ok, I’m not even gonna try to sit here and act like I’m a parenting expert. (I don’t even have kids!) But just by being a citizen of the world, I have observed several truths of parenting that must be understood by everyone, whether you have kids or not. There are hundreds of them but here are the first thirteen I could think of off the top of my head:
Read MoreDear Ms Bitch: Getting My Husband to Help Out
My husband works two jobs, seven days a week from 6am to 6pm. When he gets home, I need a little help with our three kids, ages eight years, two years and four weeks. He never wants to help because says he works too much. Do you think he should help?
All the Best Mothers are Bitches
There are some people who think the word bitch and mother don’t go in the same sentence. Apparently once you get pregnant, suddenly you’re supposed to turn into some June Cleaver/Carol Brady robot that doesn’t have any thought other making play dates and buying diapers. They don’t cuss, they don’t say anything unladylike and they don’t exist outside being mothers.
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| She may seem all cool right now, but start messing with her kid and see what you get. |
I don’t know how or why they do that. Who told them that being a mom requires you to give up being anything else? Let’s face it: all the best mothers are Bitches. A mother is someone who gives birth, but being a great mother takes so much more. Sometimes it takes being a Bitch.
A great mother protects her children from a world that isn’t always as nurturing as she may be. She has to be tough with her kids when they need it and doesn’t mind letting them know who’s the boss. She is unstoppable when it comes to getting her kids the things they need.A great mother is no pushover. She says the tough things that need to be said, even when it’s not the easiest thing to say. And she understands that healthy, well rounded kids have healthy well rounded mothers, so she makes time and space for herself too.
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| This baby’s feeling no worries because his mother’s a Bitch . |
That sounds like a textbook Bitch to me. Kids raised by Bitches know that their mothers are unstoppable forces of nature that get it done every day and don’t take no for an answer. Knowing you’ve got a Bitch on your side has to be a secure feeling whether you’re three, thirteen or thirty three.
So all you women doing motherhood the Bitch way, I salute you. You’re doing a great job and I hope that you continue taking on motherhood by the balls. And I hope you have a super bitchy Mother’s Day this year. You deserve it.
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