The Bitch’s Guide to Motherhood

13 Bitchy Truths About Kids

Posted on Oct 5, 2010 in Bitchy Truths, Kids, Real Talk, The Bitch's Guide to Motherhood | 9 comments

Ok, I’m not even gonna try to sit here and act like I’m a parenting expert. (I don’t even have kids!) But just by being a citizen of the world, I have observed several truths of parenting that must be understood by everyone, whether you have kids or not. There are hundreds of them but here are the first thirteen I could think of off the top of my head:

Dear Ms. Bitch: Mother’s Day Edition

Posted on May 7, 2010 in Dear Ms. Bitch, The Bitch's Guide to Motherhood | 1 comment

Like Dear Abby. . . only bitchier.    
 

The only person you have to let touch the belly is your doctor. Oh and maybe the guy who knocked you up.

Dear Ms. Bitch:

I’m six months pregnant and the one thing I hate about being pregnant is that people always think that they can touch my belly. I know that most of these people have good intentions, but I’m not a touchy feeling kind of girl. I don’t even like hugging people most of the time. How do I tell strangers that this is my stomach and my baby and I don’t want anyone rubbing or grabbing on it?
–Hands Off
 
Dear Hands Off:
Being pregnant is like having an alien take up residence in your body. The alien then makes demands on your diet, your sleep schedule and your bathroom time. But no matter how pregnant you are, it’s still your body and you still get to decide who touches it. If you’re the shy type, you could stock up on these shirts and wear them until you pop. Or you can be more direct. If someone who doesn’t have permission to touch your belly reaches toward you, step out of their reach and say “No, thank you.” Or “Sorry. We’re trying to teach her not to talk to strangers.” As a mother you will spend your entire life protecting your baby from strangers. Might as well start now.


Dear Bitch:
I recently ran into an old high school friend of mine out in public. After about ten minutes of chit chat, she started interrogating me on why my husband and I don’t have any children. She started telling me that it was selfish to live a life without having kids and that they are the only true purpose we have in life. (All while her own three terrors were basically tearing down the store!) The truth is that we can’t have them but I don’t think that was any of her business. I just stammered out some excuse and left. But I wish I had really said something to her to shut her up. What should I have said?
–No Words


Dear No Words:
You’re right. Whatever your reasons for not having kids, it’s none of her business. Just like it’s none of your business why she had hers. I think that you did the right thing by leaving the situation. But if you wanted to be super bitchy, you could have said “We felt like having kids was too risky. We could have ended up some a couple of little monsters that we couldn’t control.” And then you look at her kids pointedly and add “Looks like you’re busy here. It was nice catching up with you.” And then you leave.
 
 
Dear Bitch:
My family throws a big Mother’s Day celebration every year for my mother and three sisters who have kids. It’s almost as big as Thanksgiving because our entire family gets together and spends almost the whole day at my parents’ house. This year, I don’t want to go. I just don’t think I should have to spend my entire Sunday with them and I don’t even have any kids. Can I just skip it this year without starting a riot?
–Wanna Stay Home


Dear Wanna Stay Home:
You may not have any kids but you do have a mother. What has your mother done to you that you can’t spend Mother’s Day with her? And if you do this every year, what’s so different about this year? To answer your question, I don’t know if your family will get mad if you don’t come. It depends on your family. If this is a big deal and you live close enough to come, they are probably going to be upset. So you better have some good answers about why you’re not coming. Everybody should be selfish every once in awhile, but it doesn’t sound like this is one of those moments. Instead of skipping the whole thing, why don’t you go over for an hour or so, bring your mother a present and eat some free food. Then head back to your place and enjoy your I-Don’t-Have-Kids-But-I-Do-Have-A-Mother Day in peace.

What To Do If Your Baby Is Ugly

Posted on May 6, 2010 in Bitchitude, The Bitch's Guide to Motherhood | 9 comments

As Thank-You-For-Giving-Birth-To-Me-And-Then-Sticking-Around-To-Raise-Me-And-Not-Doing-Anything-Too-Damaging-To-Me-As-I-Grew-Up Day approaches, we here at the Bitch Blog have been thinking a lot about motherhood. We’re busy preparing for the birth of The Bitch’s Guide to Love this summer, and already thinking of ways to add to the family with other Bitch Guide titles. One of those is The Bitch’s Guide to Motherhood. So, in honor of Bitches, motherhood and Mother’s Day, here’s a little excerpt from the work in progress:

There is a saying that there is no such thing as an ugly baby. I don’t know who started that saying but they must have been drunk. Just open your eyes! Whether you are in denial or if you just try to avert your eyes, ugly babies are everywhere. But what if the ugly baby is your baby? Here are some ways to cope with having an ugly baby:

Ugly babies need love too!

• Recognize the signs that your baby is ugly right away. For example, strangers and small children point at your baby frequently and whisper to each other. Or people are always saying things like “Well, that’s a nice t-shirt he’s got on. At least he’s got that going for him.”

• Don’t panic. Ugly babies happen every day. This one just happened to you. They’ll probably grow out of it . . . hopefully.

• Love your baby ferociously. (You ever heard that saying: A face only a mother could love? They were talking about your baby.) He’s yours from now until the day he dies. Might as well get used to that face right now.

• Avoid blaming your ugly baby’s father, that curse on your great great grandmother or any fast food you may have eaten while pregnant. It’s best to avoid trying to figure out why your baby is so ugly because you might find out that you’re no looker either.

• Do not post excessive pictures of your ugly baby on Facebook or create a website dedicated to him. One, you’re already being a pain in the ass with your avalanche of baby pictures, but people really do not want to see your ugly baby every time they log in. Two, you’re just asking for people to make fun of your ugly baby.

• Grow a thick skin and get a sense of humor. You’ll need them both. But don’t take any shit from anybody when it comes to your ugly baby, either. He may be ugly but he’s yours and you better damn well fight for him.

• Surround your ugly baby with cute but not too cute accessories and clothing. Yes, you want to try to increase his attractiveness, but you don’t want to draw attention to his ugliness either. Consider big hats, hoods or masks that might hide the ugliness from the general public. Also, consider brightly colored or shiny shoes to draw people’s eye away from the face and down to the feet.

• Start teaching your ugly baby the value of personality, intelligence and spirit from day one. While the rest of the world is realizing just how little being pretty gets you in the game of life, he’ll already be ahead of the pack. And when he gets to the age where his peers’ looks begin to fade, he’ll still have those valuable lessons you taught him.

All the Best Mothers are Bitches

Posted on May 3, 2010 in Bitchitude, Kids, The Bitch's Guide to Motherhood | 7 comments

There are some people who think the word bitch and mother don’t go in the same sentence. Apparently once you get pregnant, suddenly you’re supposed to turn into some June Cleaver/Carol Brady robot that doesn’t have any thought other making play dates and buying diapers. They don’t cuss, they don’t say anything unladylike and they don’t exist outside being mothers.

She may seem all cool right now, but start messing with her kid and see what you get.

I don’t know how or why they do that. Who told them that being a mom requires you to give up being anything else? Let’s face it: all the best mothers are Bitches. A mother is someone who gives birth, but being a great mother takes so much more. Sometimes it takes being a Bitch.

A great mother protects her children from a world that isn’t always as nurturing as she may be. She has to be tough with her kids when they need it and doesn’t mind letting them know who’s the boss. She is unstoppable when it comes to getting her kids the things they need.A great mother is no pushover. She says the tough things that need to be said, even when it’s not the easiest thing to say. And she understands that healthy, well rounded kids have healthy well rounded mothers, so she makes time and space for herself too.

This baby’s feeling no worries because his mother’s a Bitch .

That sounds like a textbook Bitch to me. Kids raised by Bitches know that their mothers are unstoppable forces of nature that get it done every day and don’t take no for an answer. Knowing you’ve got a Bitch on your side has to be a secure feeling whether you’re three, thirteen or thirty three.

So all you women doing motherhood the Bitch way, I salute you. You’re doing a great job and I hope that you continue taking on motherhood by the balls. And I hope you have a super bitchy Mother’s Day this year. You deserve it.